Saturday, 4 December 2010

The Trevor Project

The trevor project is a US based organisation providing a telephone service for teens feeling depressed or suicidal about sexuality issues. I personally think its a great cause because even I comtemplated suicide at one point. Yup!

Read my story after the jump.

I was fourteen and my parents as people are very overprotective and homophobic. One day I bought a copy of attitude, a gay magazine because I had this intense urge to get hold of something to read to make sense of the shit i was going through but not able to tell anyone. When I got home from school I started reading it in bed and fell asleep because it had been an intense day. Next thing I know my mum is in my room shouting obscenities at me, asking me what the hell I'm doing with a gay magazine. I had no words and just stared at her. She stormed out of my room, mag in tow and slammed the door, ending with the words: "Just wait until your dad get's home!"

Remember that feeling when you are young where you know that you are going to get into trouble and your stomach is knotted with fear? Imagine that x 1000. I felt digusted with myself for buying the magazine, digusted with the fact that my mum and soon my Dad would think I was the worst kind of digusting there was too, and digusted with myself for falling asleep.

Then the suicidal thoughts kicked in and the tears streaming down my face. I wanted to end it. Would I slit my wrists in the bathroom with the door locked? Would a swallow pills to wipe me out? Or maybe I would just jump out the windows as we were 4 storeys high.

The thoughts were cut short with the sound of my dad hollering my name. He was sitting in the lounge, looking mad as hell.

"What the hell is this? Are you a gay or what" he said

"No" I lied "Were doing an Art project in school about different types of men"

"Well, I'm going to come down to the school and talk to your Art Teacher, because this is nonsense. Your pocket money is frozen and you are grounded and banned from using the internet. This is sick! Get out of my sight!"

He never did go to the school and for about six months him and my mum just made me feel like shit through looks and unspoken words. Whether he bought my explanation I don't know. Maybe deep down they know and despite the overt homophobia, the reality is they can't bring themselves to take affirmative action. I burned my diary that documented all my thoughts and feelings on guys and talked myself out of ending it and instead decided to take each day one day at a time.

I guess what I'm getting at is like the motto of the Trevor Project, it does get better. I just wish I had someone to talk to when I was going through it.

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