Tuesday, 15 January 2019

The Ex Factor

Over the years my ex and I have gone from being emotionally all in, to emotionally checked out and cold turkey zero communication, then back to really repairing the companionship to to now having a healthy platonic respect and love for each other whilst on separate journeys.

The two of us sat down recently to have a deep and meaningful conversation about our time together. Click 'more' to enjoy the read.

What was it about me that attracted you back when we first started talking?

It was your drive and your ambition, your friendliness and openness even though it took a little while to break through. You just seemed fresh and new compared to what I had been used to. You were a breath of fresh air.

So talk to me about the situation you were in directly before we started talking...

Well... when you and I started dating and talking, not gonna lie I was a little confused. I knew what I wanted. You know... someone to share my life with honestly, but I was at a point where I was kinda confused what it felt like. It had been what I had been searching for for quite some time, but not getting the same kind of energy or vibes in response. Or like everything I've been in or wanted or tried to be in, it was like "I want this, I want something serious" you know I want to actually give my all in a relationship, yet people just tended to want short term, you know, half hearted things and I think honestly it confused me. It made me feel a bit weird like where I felt like "Am I the one that's wrong for wanting this or shall I just give up and be like everyone else and just really search for... things that don't have any substance?" but more specifically, there were a couple of people that I tried things with that maybe I wasn't... I hadn't fully dealt with the situations before us and even though I tried to put it aside... which I think did do successfully, when the cracks started to appear for us, me still talking to certain people probably widened those cracks wheres maybe if I had fully dealt with those issue before, when we had our cracks, they might not have become so open.

What was the 1st time you thought to yourself that "I am tempted to step out"?

Can I tell you something. I don't think I was ever tempted step out on you. Its a part of me that I still don't get myself to be honest with you. It was just... I wanna say confusion but its not even confusion... it was just ..I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know what we were doing and when you don't have direction you just go anywhere. It wasn't even like a calculated thing like I'm gonna step out on you or what not it was just like I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do... what am I doing... and when you don't have a guide you just go anywhere.

So where did you go?

To some random stranger.

Was this via an app?

No actually we had talked a few times and even though I was on the app, I didn't meet anyone from there. And this person we had talked a few times and one day he just said "Oh I'm free" and even though he had said it many times before, I just thought, you know what, let me just get up and go.

And where would you say in the time line this was?

It was after that whatever breakdown that we had in Feb let's say. When you were at your family's house and I was waiting for you. It was after all that where I said you shouldn't be with me  bla bla but it was still not excusable, whatever our status was at the time, we were still connected and it was wrong of me.

In the period we weren't talking after the breakup, out of the blue you invited me to dinner. Why was that?

I just wanted to see you. Somebody had made me feel really really down and I knew you were really skilled at making me feel good. As selfish as it sounds I just wanted to see you. I wanted to feel special on my birthday and I knew you could that.

You made a few statements on that day about realisations you'd had about me. Can you elaborate?

Laughs. As cliche as it sounds, you don't realise what you've got until its gone.

So what was it that you realised?

How good you were. How you learnt to appreciate the special moments and especially what I was going through after you with someone who not only had me not feel special on my birthday but to make me feel shit and broke up with me on my birthday. So knowing someone like you that grew to put effort in, in fact even on one of my birthdays when we weren't together or what not. I appreciate that. That's all. I just want you to know that its a good thing you do, keep it up and even if no one tells you or shows you, just know you are special.

What were the 3 best / worst things about dating me?


I loved the companionship. I don't mean that in a worldly way, I mean that when we were together it felt like we were together. It wasn't just on paper... you know we were actually together, going through things together, being happy together, doing things together. It wasn't one of those distant relationships where people just say yeah that's mine and don't even really care or know much about each other. I think we were deeply personal and I loved it and that's why sometimes when I get angry with you, or something that seems so trivial or inconsequential, to me it was like it's tiny but when someone means everything to you, the tiny things really matter. But yeah especially us at our best I loved how invested you were. That's one level of investment.

Second... (laughs) I don't think I really got to experience it as much because I don't think we got as far into our journey as planned, but even though it doesn't mean so much to me myself personally, I like that you want to involve me into that ambition, that drive of yours, you know even though its not me, I like that you have compassion for something. I like that you are a go getter, I like that you want to be able to say I am going to South America tomorrow and click your fingers and go South America tomorrow. I like that it was a part of you. I honestly don't know that if had stayed together that would have become a part of me too but even though it was almost annoying, I like that it was a part of you, you know, you weren't just a lazy lump. You know you had dreams, you had visions, you had plans and you set about reaching them and I really admired that.

And number 3 I'm going to say the first 3 months. I don't think I have ever ever experienced something like that before and after you. Something just happened we just clicked, and just fell into place with each other and it was just like you couldn't even write it you know. Even though I would tell you every day at the start don't come your parents will worry about you, I loved that you wanted to see me so much. As much as I was like trying to push you away I loved having you around. And as weird as it sounds at no point in those 1st three did a single red flag come up about you. I'm not even lying, you can be with people, as much as they can be wonderful there is always something like oh but maybe he is lying, maybe he talks about that person a bit too much but with you, in those 1st few months, not even a single thing, not even oh shit does he still like this person. I don't know we just fell into place. We were just clean, organic and open and I loved it. I don't want to speculate too much as to what caused our down fall whether it was partially due to me leaving my job or (sigh) me not being happy with you or speaking to people from my past or whoever too much but those 1st three months (phew...) . Heaven... if had kept going on that same ascent... maybe we put too much in too early eh?...

And the three bad points?

Three bad points. Laughs... you should be pleased that I'm struggling but erm... the insecurities and the lack of trust that came later. I'm putting my hands up, I know there were certain things that I was to blame for, but even still, the way they were handled really put me off even more. And I know.. I know its not easy and sometimes when things go wrong, the last person you wanna turn to is your partner, even though they should be the only person you turn to but put it this way, I didn't like the way you went about it maybe speaking to your friends or having to go through my phone or whatever and it kind of even push me away even further whereas I feel a more honest and direct approach would possibly have allowed us to bridge things up and maybe rescue us. But things are easier said with hindsight eh... erm..

Two... you can be quite bossy sometimes (laughs) but when things are good its cool and its just, yeah... whatever but when there are issues its like... (sigh) please calm the fuck down. I'm my own person I'll do my own thing in my own time. But I get it, its actually your character and why you are so successful as well. But when it comes to emotional relationships not everything you can control and sometimes you've got to be vulnerable and learn to let go yourself and also understand that things go wrong and when things do go wrong, just breathe. Just.. don't try and take control of thing you can't take control of and sometimes learn to be a good loser. Accept defeat and start again.

And number 3, what didn't I like? Honestly nothing, but I'll just add a little piece to what I said about being bossy. Cos its kinda similar, just try not to interfere too much, a word to the wise is enough especially when it comes to me in particular, I don't know if other people are like this just when someone has fucked up they know they've fucked up OK? So you just let them know and then they'll do what they have to do. But when you try to control or interfere too much you almost push them away. When people fuck up they don't want reminders over and over again... or its not for you to take charge. It's for that person to be like OK, I've done this I need to sort it out.

How would you describe our relationship in 2019?

You mean how we are now? You are the person that annoys the shit out of me, but I know will always be there like a brother and I probably annoy the shit out of you. We disagree on a lot and we don't have the same principles but I value what you believe in even though its not what I believe in. You also value what I believe in even though you think bro what the fuck is wrong with you. Give me time. So we have a mutual respect for each other even though we don't think the same way.

Where does your passion for relationships come from?

The simple answer is my mum. I think it's also a lonely part of me from coming from a big family that doesn't really give a fuck about me. Its weird I enjoy sharing things. I enjoy  giving the best or trying to get the best out of people I care about. I enjoy teamwork. I feel so much more complete as a team as opposed to as one person. So I always try to invest in any sort of team I'm a part of whether it be my family or partner. I enjoy that togetherness and working to create something special you know, pooling of ideas, sharing things and creating things, something even more special. 

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